**Updated 11/21/24**
Eating disorders are serious illnesses with some of the highest mortality rates of any mental health condition. If you know or suspect you have a loved one suffering from an eating disorder, it is essential to help them access treatment and support them during their recovery. An eating disorder-specialized therapist, psychiatrist, or dietician can complete an assessment and make a diagnosis, which is the first step toward proper treatment and recovery.
Supporting a person with an eating disorder can be a difficult thing to do. How do you know whether your help is supporting the recovery process or enabling the disorder to remain in control? In my years of experience treating eating disorders, this theme has come up repeatedly. Below are some helpful guidelines I’ve developed from the wisdom of families, clients, and clinicians I’ve worked with over the past decade.
DOs and DON’Ts for Families and Supporters of People in Eating Disorder Recovery
DO educate yourself about eating disorders. The more you know about what your friend or family member is going through, the better you can support them. Don’t be afraid to ask your loved one questions about their unique experience with an eating disorder, as everyone is different. Open-ended questions, such as “How are you feeling?” and “How can I help?” are often better than solution-focused suggestions, such as “Just eat more” or reassurances like “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful.” Understand that eating disorders affect all kinds of people in different kinds of bodies. We cannot assume or determine just by looking at a person, whether they struggle with an eating disorder.
See my list of Eating Disorder Resources at the end of this post.
DON’T talk about or evaluate your or other people’s bodies in front of someone in recovery. This goes for compliments as well as criticism. For example, noting that a celebrity looks great because she has lost weight can send a message that what you value about others is their appearance. It is also wise to avoid the topics of dieting, exercise, and weight. This might be challenging because we live in a culture that values thinness, fitness, and weight loss while looking down on fatness. These messages are subtle but insidious, and it takes practice to become aware of them.
DO ask to be involved in your loved one’s treatment. One of the most essential components of eating disorder recovery is developing a support network of people who understand how to help. To most people, the eating disorder looks like a problem, but to those who develop one, it feels like a solution in many ways. Eating disorders help people to cope with difficult emotions, thoughts, or situations. Food can be a source of comfort or a way to disconnect from feelings, memories, and experiences. Manipulating food to exercise control over a situation is a strategy that may seem helpful at first, but sooner or later, the disordered behavior snowballs. To move away from the disorder, the person must learn to rely on friends and family for emotional support instead of relying on the eating disorder to mask or dull emotions. Supporters have a pivotal role in putting the disorder out of a job.
Shame and stigma can be massive barriers to seeking support for an eating disorder. Joining your loved one in their battle to recover sends a message of empathy, acceptance, and love that can help heal that shame.
DON’T make changes in your own life to accommodate the eating disorder. For example, a client of mine once told me her family would stay home and watch TV with her instead of going out to eat at a restaurant, as restaurants made her (eating disorder) uncomfortable. While this seems like a supportive gesture, the family was allowing her eating disorder to call the shots. The absence of boundaries enabled her to keep using disordered eating behaviors with no consequences, obstructing progress toward full recovery.
Another reason not to accommodate the eating disorder is because it is exhausting. Supporters who go out of their way to appease the disorder can find themselves feeling “burnt out” and even resentful of their loved ones. To prevent this, explain your personal boundaries to your loved one in recovery during a calm conversation and ask for their understanding and cooperation. Taking care of your own needs is vital so you can continue to be supportive of your loved one.
DO get your own support. This can be from many sources, such as a support group, therapist, friend, or clergy member. Some treatment facilities offer support groups just for loved ones of their clients for this reason. Not only is education about eating disorders essential, but having a space to vent your feelings will allow you to show up in a more empathetic and skillful way for your loved one. It is a truism that “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Support for supporters is essential in maintaining the stamina required for long-term recovery.
DON’T give up hope. Sustained and permanent recovery from an eating disorder is possible. The road to being fully recovered is not easy, but the presence of loving supporters is essential to progress on that journey.
Recommended Eating Disorder Resources
- https://www.theprojectheal.org/causes-impacts-of-eating-disorders
- https://www.feast-ed.org/
- https://anad.org/get-help/about-our-support-groups/
- https://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/eating-disorder-support-groups-and-programs/#locations
- https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Teen-Eating-Disorder/dp/1684030439
- https://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-Workbook-Principles-Relationship/dp/1626256225
- https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250831210/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
- https://christyharrison.com/podcasts
If you or someone you know experiences mental health issues, it is important to seek help from a qualified professional. Our Resource Specialists can help you find expert mental health resources and support in your community. Contact us now for more information on this free service.
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About the Author: Gillian Tanz, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, licensed in Connecticut and New York, providing services via telehealth and in person. She is affiliated with Thrive Psychotherapy and Nutrition in Ridgefield, CT, a multi-disciplinary practice specializing in the treatment of eating disorders.
The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.
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Gillian, thank you for your thoughtful and informative piece on supporting a family member or friend in their eating disorder recovery. I am truly appreciative of you sharing your expertise and wisdom with us especially as February Is Eating Disorder Month.