Establishing personal boundaries can be hard. It requires knowing what you want, what is unacceptable behavior, and the courage to stand up for yourself. After all the effort to set firm boundaries, you probably want to dust your hands off and relax, letting the boundary do its intended work.
Hopefully, everyone will respect your boundaries, and this is the case! But setting limits isn’t always that cut and dry. Sometimes, people accidentally cross a boundary. Sometimes, they do so purposefully or out of a strong emotion such as anger or fear. Unfortunately, some people disregard boundaries entirely.
How do you stand up for yourself when a boundary has been crossed? If you’re a people-pleaser, have a history of relational trauma, or struggle with assertiveness and self-esteem, addressing a crossed boundary can be challenging.
This guide will walk you through what to do when a boundary is crossed.
What to do when someone crosses a boundary
Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries respected. It is well within your right to bring up boundary violations. It might seem easier to blow it off and say, “It wasn’t that big a deal.” or “I’m sure they just forgot.”
Both those statements might be true, but it’s still worth bringing up the crossed boundary. Maybe it was an honest mistake, and they forgot, but if you accidentally crossed someone’s boundary, wouldn’t you want to know?
Once you set your boundaries, it’s vital to maintain them. Getting ahead of a boundary problem by addressing the violation as soon as it occurs can prevent the problem from spiraling into something bigger and stop people from walking all over you.
Here are steps to take to reassert a crossed boundary:
1. Assess the situation
Was this the person’s first time crossing a boundary? Have you talked about it before? Was it a serious boundary or a smaller one? (You should address both, but a bigger boundary crossed may mean you need to have a bigger conversation.) Consider how you feel about it. Are you hurt, angry, frustrated, or betrayed?
2. Feel your emotions before you talk
You’ll want to approach the other person with a cool head to prevent the situation from escalating. They will likely meet you at your energy level, so if you start the conversation with an open mind and calm demeanor, they will, too. However, you are still entitled to your feelings about the crossed boundary. If you’re still upset by the boundary violation, talk to a supportive friend, cry or scream it out, discuss it with your therapist, do some grounding exercises, or get outdoors and take a walk. Once you feel calm, approach the other person about your concerns.
3. Find the right time and space
If possible, have a private conversation with the person in a neutral space. Maybe this is the office break room, a walk outside, or over the phone. Try not to bombard them with your feelings if they are also experiencing heightened emotions or are surrounded by others since they might get defensive, and the conversation can spiral into an argument.
4. State the situation clearly using “I” statements
Before the conversation, you might feel anxious or stressed, but try not to downplay or skirt around the issue. Clearly state the boundary crossed, when it was crossed, and how it made you feel. When possible, use I statements. For example, don’t say, “You betrayed me when you did this.” Instead, say, “I felt really betrayed when you [insert crossed boundary.]” Try to be specific, calm, and level-headed. Don’t make accusations. Just state the facts. You can practice with a friend beforehand to build your confidence.
5. Ask the other person if they have any questions
Sometimes, a boundary is clear to us but not to others. If the other person crossed a boundary without realizing it, they may have questions about what happened. Welcome these questions, and remember that they’re not attacking you; they’re trying to understand where you’re coming from.
Prevent a crossed boundary before it happens
It’s worth noting that if someone is about to cross a boundary, it is well within your right to stop them. Remind them calmly of the boundary you’ve set and ask them to respect it. If they don’t and continue to cross that boundary, remove yourself from the situation and have a conversation with them later. `
You deserve to stand up for yourself
Standing up for yourself can be stressful, especially if you aren’t used to it! Having conversations with people after they’ve crossed a boundary will be hard at first. You can start by practicing with people you trust and are close to. As you get comfortable, continue in less threatening situations, such as a coworker who frequently interrupts you to chat when you’re working.
Take it slow, lean on your support system, and remember that you deserve the same respect you give others. Your boundaries are there for a reason, and people should respect them.
About the Author: Alli Mann is a mental health content writer at Lifebulb Counseling and Therapy. She is interested in bridging the gap between current mental health research and the people who need it through easy-to-understand, succinct, and applicable articles. You can find more of her articles at: https://www.lifebulb.com/blogs
Photo by Alex Green: https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-couple-having-conflict-at-table-5699688/
The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.
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