People-Pleasing: Definition, Examples, and What You Can Do Instead

On the surface, people-pleasing can seem like a normal, positive, and utterly harmless trait. What’s so bad about having a “big heart” and wanting to help others and make them happy?

However, people-pleasing goes beyond simple acts of kindness and generosity. It involves a strong urge to fulfill other people’s wishes and desires and even altering your personality to accommodate them—even if it harms your well-being.

Going too far to please others can leave you feeling down, drained, and depleted. The good news is that healing is possible. The first step is to understand what people-pleasing means and to recognize its signs before taking action to break this unhealthy behavioral pattern.

What Is a People-Pleaser?

A people-pleaser is a person who constantly puts others’ needs and feelings ahead of their own despite harmful consequences to their health and well-being.

These individuals are often described as friendly, helpful, and kind. However, they tend to disregard their needs and give too much of their time, energy, and resources. This can leave them feeling burned out or resentful in their relationships.

Many people-pleasers strive to continue doing good for others to maintain a feeling that they are helpful, valuable, or loved. This behavior can be caused by low self-esteem, trauma, fear of abandonment, or mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.

Examples of People-Pleasing Behavior

It can be tricky to distinguish healthy and intentional good deeds from potentially harmful people-pleasing tendencies, as both can manifest in the same ways. However, there are a few common behaviors that people-pleasers tend to share, such as:

Finding it hard to say “no” to other people’s requests
Always telling people that you’re sorry
Pretending to agree with something to keep everyone happy
Regularly taking on extra work, even if you’re tired or busy
Rarely have free time left to take care of yourself
Feeling pressured to be friendly or cheerful all the time
Overcommitting to plans, activities, and responsibilities
Saying you’re fine even when you’re not
Fearing other people’s anger or conflict
Changing your personality based on who you’re with
Doing things for people to gain their approval
Allowing others to take advantage of you
Experiencing anxiety about what other people think

What You Can Do to Overcome People-Pleasing

Changing behavioral patterns like people-pleasing can be challenging, especially if it’s a trait developed in childhood. The healing process usually begins with increasing self-awareness and gradually shifting to healthier habits and beliefs about yourself and others.

A mental health professional can help you in overcoming people-pleasing behavior. A therapist or counselor can also provide the appropriate treatment if you’re struggling with mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or dependent personality disorder, which are often associated with people-pleasing.

Here are a few steps you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and start becoming a healthier, happier version of yourself:

Develop a deeper understanding of your needs, goals, and limits.
Establish clear boundaries and communicate them to others.
Build up your courage and confidence by practicing positive self-talk.
Think before responding to a request, and only say “yes” if you want to.
Use a firm tone when saying “no” and avoid giving excuses for your response.
Be direct and decisive in dealing with people trying to take advantage of you.
Don’t hesitate to speak up if something is bothering you, even if it may cause conflict.
Set specific time limits for new requests or plans you’ve agreed to.
Schedule sufficient time each day to take care of your needs.

People-Pleasing Ends When You Put Yourself First

Most of us want to be loved, admired, and valued by others—it’s not necessarily a bad thing! However, if you find you want to be liked so badly that you struggle to say “no” and shove your own needs to the side, you may have people-pleasing tendencies.

People-pleasing may sound like a nice habit, but it’s often an unhealthy way of life that can negatively affect your sense of self and the quality of your relationships. It can lead to feelings of physical and emotional exhaustion, stress, and frustration.

It is possible to heal and grow from this behavior, but the process will take time, commitment, and perseverance. Remember that you can’t please everyone, and trying to do so may leave you feeling empty. The key is to focus on pleasing the person who needs you the most—you!

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Author bio: Dr. Bradford Stucki is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adults in Utah, Virginia, and Texas who have experienced trauma in their childhoods or trauma as an adult. Dr. Stucki also has expertise in treating anxiety, and relationship problems. Dr. Stucki has specialized training in working with PTSD as well as couples issues. His private practice, BridgeHope Family Therapy is in Provo, Utah.

Photo by Gustavo Fring: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-going-mad-while-sitting-with-children-4017411/

The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.